Savage Love: Can't come, can't win

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Fortyish, straight, white dude here. I have this weird (possibly misogynistic) belief that, when it comes to sex, I can’t win. Actually, I think men in general can’t win. Thoughtful, well-meaning men at least. It comes down to this: During sex, if the man doesn’t come, it’s the man’s fault, because he clearly has problems with his dick and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself. If the woman doesn’t come, it’s also the man’s fault, because he’s clearly bad at sex and doesn’t even care and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself. So am I a misogynist or just a guy with issues? Any advice for me moving forward?
Yeah, I Got Issues

If you’ve been with women who blamed you when you didn’t come, YIGI, and then turned around and blamed you when they didn’t come, well, that had to be annoying. Or maybe you’re referring to something in the ether and not to any inability-to-climax/inability-to-induce-climax shaming you’ve actually come in for. (Have you been with women who shamed you like this? If so, and again, that had to be annoying. Have you been with any women at all? If not, it’s possible your letter is an MRA setup and/or you’re a misogynist with issues.)

If this has actually happened to you, YIGI, chalk it up to “some people are awful, women are people, some women are awful” and let it go. And remember this about men: Sometimes we come during sex, sometimes we don’t, the number of times we don’t increases with age. Focus more on intimacy, connection and mutual pleasure, YIGI, and less on spooging all over everything — and seek partners with the same focus.

As for women: You do know that dick alone isn’t gonna do it for most women, right? Only a small percentage of women can come from PIV intercourse alone. (If you didn’t know, you know now, and you’re welcome.) And you’re familiar with the clitoris, right? (If you weren’t, google it, and you’re welcome.) But if you find yourself in bed with a woman and you’re having difficultly helping her come (you’re there to help not make), ask her if she can make herself come. If she can’t, odds are you won’t be able to help her come, either —  not you, not anyone else. If she can make herself come, ask her to masturbate to climax while you watch. Make a close study of what works for her. If she touches herself in a certain way, learn to touch her in that way. If she busts out a vibrator, use that vibrator before, during, and after PIV or instead of PIV. Good luck.


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On the Lovecast, dating someone with borderline personality disorder—it ain’t pretty: savagelovecast.com.

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