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(Opinion) Roberts: America Gets Porked

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As the free world chokes in the icy grip of the dreaded swine flu, our noble watchmen at the local news have the following solemn, dutiful, prudent advice:

"Stop shaking hands."

The swine flu, much like a con-artist or a party clown with a buzz toy, opportunistically thrives on simple gestures of cordiality. If viruses had faces, I suspect this one would be tall, dark and handsome, and certainly have a long waxed mustache, and most likely a monocle and top hat.

Also according to the Indy Star, in an effort to stop the imminent spread of fledgling paper sales …erm, deadly flu… the following activities must be avoided: waving, hugging, spooning, forking, screwing, smiling, winking, and fun.

The only thing that loves fun more than the villainous swine flu is a terrorist. Fact: If you live a long, happy life in relative confidence of your safety, the terrorists and influenza win.

If I may stop being a wise-ass for a moment, there is a telling-trend in the genre (if you will) of viruses that scare Americans most; perhaps an after effect from a centuries old guilty conscience over all those dead Native-Americans. If a virus that originated in another region of the world appears in Middle-America, someone starts shitting their pants, and an ugly airborne strain of good ‘ol fashioned racism starts to seize the country's nervous system. Years ago it was SARS, then it was the West Nile Virus, and now this - which is generating an embarrassing level of angst against Latin-Americans, who are irrationally presumed to be here illegally by most of the bloggers and fiery (what do you call these people?...Losers? Loners? Swine?) on news websites.

There is also a strange obsession with afflictions which - in their name - indicate some illicit cross-breeding with an animal. The bird flu, the swine flu, chicken pox, ringworm, elephantiasis, horse eye, rat tail, fishy face, donkey dick… God help the aortic condition of the American public if an animal that's actually scary gets its own disease. Like …TARANTULA-IT IS. Or the dreaded HAMMERHEAD SHARK pox.

The only reported case of swine flu in Indiana has been at Notre Dame. Before it was released to the public that someone in Indiana was diagnosed with the virus, the student had already recovered fully. Early reports are that his favorite flavor of custard was available at Ritter's and he had an otherwise "pretty cool" weekend that was "you know, too short, lol."

……This is not news.

On Sunday I had a horrible sore throat, a snotty nose, a headache, possibly a fever, and my face felt like it was stuffed full of hot wet circus peanuts. If I went to my doctor on Monday and told him I wanted to be tested for the swine flu, he would have written me a prescription for some Claritin and kicked me in the dick. If he would have done anything more for me…if he would have "ran some tests," even just for appearances, I want a new doctor.

Some "dude" has a "mild" flu and the 24 hour news cycle has thousands of dollars worth of dumb graphics and crack-team puns running it into the ground. Who are these people - and furthermore licensed doctors - that are authorizing these tests to determine if someone's 48-hour moderate discomfort is part of some hip new craze, or just an allergic reaction - both of which will have the same anti-climactic result of a complete and uneventful recovery?

I saw a journalist at a press conference goading the man at the microphone to admit that no one can be 100% sure that this isn't bio-terrorism. I sincerely hope that this is bio-terrorism. That Osama Bin-laden is so down on his luck and desperate, that he sits and hides in a cave, and the best he can come up with is to give about 46 people a "kinda bad day." Please, God, please let this be what bio-terrorism is.

Or maybe Fox News was right after all. America is being punished for electing a Muslim. OR… Obama, being a Muslim, is part of a larger conspiracy to persuade a pork-free diet on Americans.

I report, you decide.

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