Last Wednesday, after the bad news from the mid-term elections fully set it, I halfway expected to wake up to see the sky on fire, people talking in tongues, lambs lying down with lions and all the other typical signs of an impending Armageddon.
I'd stockpiled my survival shelter with plenty of canned tuna, Nutella, bottled water and ammo for nothing. The sky was still blue, the sun was still shining and there was no obvious reason to suspect a plague of locusts were about to descend upon me.
True, the media declared a "red tide" would drown Washington, predicted the demise of President Obama's policies and showed plenty of pictures of happy white people celebrating victory.
The world isn't coming to an end. In fact, Tuesday's election showed that our system works: We, the People, can elect a bunch of stupid people whenever we like. Our Constitution does not require an IQ check or even a basic course in common sense in order to qualify for Congress.
The system worked. Last week alone, more dumb people were elected to office than in the previous 30 years combined. If Christine O'Donnell's coven had used the proper recipe for her potion, she might have been the nation's dumbest-ever Senator-elect in history.
And politics might have been a little more fun to observe during the next two years, as swarms of zombies overtook Washington, repealed all laws against the consumption of human brains and tried to run up the decifit by handing large checks to billionaires just like when W. was in office.
It's going to be entertaining to watch Mike Pence decide if he wants to be the most inept governor in Indiana history, the most unqualified senator we've ever had or if he should go for the gold and try to be the most idiotic president in history.
It's going to be hugely entertaining to see Michele Bachmann try to win the coveted Dan Burton award for issuing the most harassing subpoenas and launching the most unfounded investigations of White House staff. If she really wants to go for the Gingrich gold, she can accuse the president of something that she, herself, is guilty of doing.
Yes, folks, a new American Revolution is underway, the only revolution in history that has its roots in the least intelligent 2 percent of the population. Unlike the previous American, French and Russian revolutions, this one is not a battle between the principled intelligentsia fighting on behalf of the oppressed proleteriat.
Instead, this new revolution is funded by the rich, advertised to the conservative masses as "taking the country back" and "restoring honor to America" and promises to be a force fighting against small businesses, middle-class workers and all ethnic minorities.
Never in our nation's history has a revolution been waged by so few intelligent people with such a lack of purpose or stated goals. And never before have revolutionaries so effectively galvanized the poor into an army fighting not to overthrow the rich, but to empower them even more.
It would be ghastly fun to let these new bizarro-world congressmen and senators run rampant for a while just to see how badly they would wreck things. We'd have a 50-foot concrete wall running along the Mexican border, just like the Berlin Wall. All taxes on corporate profits would be eliminated and Social Security would be paid in the form of Wal-Mart gift cards.
Meet Senator-elect Rand Paul, a man who still has his reservations about the 1964 Civil Rights Act but strongly believes in laws requiring Obama to cough up his birth certificate. He's against some regulation – on big oil, big banking and big monopolies – but definitely in favor of rounding up anyone who looks or sounds like they might not be American citizens.
So what it comes down to is that all the cliches apply. The lunatics have been given keys to the asylum and have outlawed psychiatry. The fox has been put in charge of security for the chicken coop. Bulls have been named as managers of every china shop in the nation.
And, yes, there is a big elephant in the room. It's not there to liberate and heal but, instead, to defecate, attack and kill everything in its path – most notably the Constitution of the United States.
It's the end of the world as we know it but a different world nevertheless, where war is peace, slavery is freedom and you are given only one right: the right to remain silent as the nation is destroyed.
Congratulations on your victories, conservatives. You have two years to destroy the country and the clock starts now.