Roberts: No Money, No Problems


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With the rest of the world shitting its pants over "the economy," (yes, that four letter word which has become the ultimate scapegoat for anything from bounced checks to impotence), those of us who had nothing to lose are living like Prince Ali Ababwa, in this beautiful time of milk, honey and liquidation sales.

So raise your glass, here are the best reasons to celebrate the last sordid days of evenly paved roads and job security.

1) 4 meals for under $4 at Steak n'Shake. Are you kidding me?! Up is down, black is white…cats and dogs living together. A TRIPLE cheeseburger, nay…STEAKburger and fries for $3.99? In order to keep up with the dollar menus of McDonalds and BK, (Wendy's has just started to be plain awful) S&S has now become deliciously affordable for the impoverished and/or drunken twenty-somethings of the Midwest. Hyperbole aside… this might be the best thing that ever happened to me.

2) It's way easier to convince my work-friends to come out for 25 cent draft night at Ike's.

3) In a fiendish attempt to lure idiots back into lustful oil-consuming habits (this is what would happen if Lex Luthor was a real person), gas prices have bottomed out ( "Yes, I WOULD like a jalapeno cheddar dog with my gasoline today, sir," I gloatingly proclaim, tossing my now-meager 62 cents across the counter) Which is nice now, for obvious reasons, but more importantly-- there are far fewer SUV's on the road following the $4.30 spike we saw before the holidays. The '94 Geo Metro I drove all through college could now make its way about the interstate much more safely - without an envoy of Escalades and Suburbans pulling my poor car under their heavy, gas-chugging tires.

4) Even more than racists fear minorities, they fear being poorer than minorities. Thus, Obama was elected.

5) On a related note, even religious fanatics and jocks are too scared of the economy to be scared of gays. For now.

6)iTunes prices are going to go down. You know that times are tough when people forsake iTunes and let Limewire ravage their computer with spyware, to save 99 cents.

7) Something to fill awkward silences. Everyone has a fix, everyone has an explanation, and everyone has a 5,000 word thesis to explain why the impact is exponentially more crippling for them than you.

8) It's cool to be poor again… making me horribly nostalgic for college.

9) You can use it as an excuse for ANYTHING. I now have an excuse not to settle down, not to invest, not to do laundry… Ex:

* "Hey, Andrew, why don't you stop underachieving?" "Economy."

*"Andrew, you were 3 hours late for work this morning." "Economy."

* "Mr. Roberts, you have an outstanding debt of one hun.." "Economy."

*"Andrew, Really? You're taking me to Steak n'Shake for Valent…" "Economy."

*"Mr. Roberts, have you been drinking ton.." "Economy."



"Please step out of the vehicle."


And guess why there isn't a number ten.


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