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Your candy and pairing primer

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Before you head out with the kiddos to do your trick-or-treating about the town, we thought we would provide you with a primer on which Indianapolis homes to avoid, and what ideal drink pairing goes with each selection when it's time to raid their bags at home. Er, check their candy, I mean.

Jim Irsay

Tic-tacs, Smarties, Sprees. Small, hard candies that you can keep in your pocket without them melting or getting dirty. Place one under the tongue and let dissolve.

Amount: Unlimited

Drink pairing: Mad Dog 20/20 and a bitchin' guitar solo

Chuck Brewer

Mini Snickers bars

Amount: One per trick-or-treater per household

Drink pairing: Bud Light

Joe Hogsett

Mini Milky Ways

Amount: One per trick-or-treater per household

Drink Pairing: Miller Light

Mike Pence

Pencils and raisins. Bible tracts for kids trick-or-treating with same-sex costumed parents.

Amount: Unlimited

Drink pairing: A human skull filled with scientist and teacher tears. (Non-satirical editor's note: Fuck you, Mike Pence.)

Eric Miller

Eternal damnation preached from a lawn-mounted pulpit and loudspeaker system

Amount: Unlimited until the Rapture

Drink pairing: The blood of 33 white doves

Glenda Ritz

Lifesavers, chosen because they are impossible to be choked on by even the smallest esophagus

Amount: One per child. Bonus candy for proof of good grades/attendance (probably)

Drink pairing: Wine in honor of all the glasses Glenda wants right now

Andy & Annie Skinner

Ring pops and 7-inch vinyls so you can have your candy and still look awesome while you dance

Amount: All the sugar and jams you can handle

Drink pairing: Red Bull and vodka. Having a kid is no excuse not to party once in awhile.

Chuck Pagano

Full-size chocolate bars, tearful apologies

Amount: Fistfuls until he collapses in a shame pile on his front porch

Drink pairing: A can of the Tom Brady Sux Sun King line of beers

Andrew Luck

Dark chocolate-covered artisan granola bars, high-fives

Amount: Until the implanted portion of labradoodle brain begins to get tired from all the new smells

Drink pairing: Green Gatorade over crushed ice with muddled cucumber and organic, barrel-aged maple syrup

Matt Hasselbeck

Reese's cups, overexcitedly launched into the front yard by the armload

Amount: Unlimited until the sugar jitters die down

Drink pairing: Low- to mid-shelf white wine. Not terrible and it does the job when chilled enough.

Bill Levin

Laffy Taffy, joke contests encouraged

Amount: Unlimited, depending on delivery of joke

Drink pairing: White Russian, maaan.

Chicks on the Right

Packages of peanuts crudely re-labeled "Liberal Brains" with Sharpie

Amount: Until it stops being funny to them, which is never

Drink pairing: Arbor Mist or Limearitas poured over ice, because they're sophisticated


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